the list

The other day I made a list. It noted all the projects with which I’m currently working. Between school, work, track and an attempt to have a life beyond those confines, the number of items continued to grow. The first goal of the list was to help me wrap my head around what things I really was doing. Then I wanted to make sure I didn’t forget anything and then realize where I could put more energy and focus at this moment. It seemed that once I started going on a project I would have to stop and start another one. My ideas and enthusiasm for one had to be tabled while the same for a different item had to be conjured from what I could remember of that project’s progress.

At the point of creation, I didn’t give my list much power. It was just a tool to organize my otherwise scattered thoughts. But as I continued on with it, I realized the list was too long and doubt, frustration, pity and wonder set in. Pity is too strong of a word but I did feel a bit of sadness at what those many list items meant especially in relationship to all the things I had to sacrifice. For the most part, the things on the list were all good. They all had merit and a worthwhile purpose. So while I might have had a bit of self-pity, I was also kind of impressed that so many cool things were given to me to do. Self-pity, self-righteousness. Weird combo.

I left my office with this list in hand and walked across campus where numerous trees are budding with magnificent colors, tall pines trees continue to reach to the heavens, grass is turning green and students walk with determination, pursuing knowledge and growth. And that was a small 100 yard view. At that moment I realized my list was nothing. It didn’t even fill half a page. In comparison to God’s “to do” list, mine was simple. The story of Job came to my head, and I recalled the end of the story when God questioned Job. Are you in charge of the movement of the stars and planets? Do you make the waves crash on the shore? Does the tree, grass, or human grow by your power? Have you carved the mountains and cut out the valleys? And like Job, all I could say is…um, well, no.

The list was necessary. It cleared my mind of clutter and helped me organize my responsibilities. Just because I’m not in charge of maintaining gravity or creating systems like photosynthesis, God still has me here to do his work, faithfully and humbly. The list was clarifying. It reminded me of who really is in charge and who makes all things possible, including giving me wisdom and strength to complete and cross off items on the list.