Claire, SM

Last night I jumped out of my seat and almost my clear-com headset when a child said, “Hi. My name is Claire. When I grow up, I want to be a Stage Manager.” It’s true! I was excited and then wanted to ask Jami if anyone had mentioned any interest in designing lights. They would have a great intro to the profession in these formative years if they told her.

Of course, the glory in such a comment came the knowledge that I had some sort of influence on her life. If tomorrow she wanted to be a teacher or tour leader or auntie, more power to Claire. But the power of her shout out made me think of the millions of characteristics that we exhibit each day and the ones that people, especially young ones, emulate. Does she desire such a job because of the duties: leading sound check, spiking the stage, getting up early and staying up late, eating ice cream after the show, wearing cool operator-type headsets, dressing in black all the time, putting pencils and sharpies in my hair, and running around like a wise chicken with its head cut off? Is it the power she sees I have, telling the children what to see, where to go, how fast and when? Does she perhaps want the job for more profound reasons: teaching, directing and helping people know how to do their best work, creating an environment of comfort for performers, collaborating with various experts to put on the best production possible, supporting individuals in life as they work? I don’t know if she sees any of these opportunities for her future. Perhaps she just knew me and knew my title, a unique job that might get a laugh or clap!

As I wrote the far from complete list of characteristics I exude, the written ones helped me recall the important aspects of my job that I need to do with gusto and focus, with as much enthusiasm as I had for the mention of a child’s possible future career in stage management.

beyond the front porch

It hit me today why so few of us are willing or daring enough to leave our front porches. I mean that sort of figuratively, but I also come from 2 cities that breed people who often remain in place their entire lives. They are great towns, perfect for raising kids, enjoying the cinema, or going to dinner. But in many respects they are not hard. They are not tough places of crime, poverty, disease, hardships. Of course, these realities exist and must be met, even in the small scale of these said towns.
But I currently live with adults and children who would be rich by our poorest standards. These friends of mine have families that suffer from terrible, terminal diseases just because there’s no available care near by or they lack sufficient funds. People live in shacks of tin roofs because their country doesn’t use credit cards to “guarantee” a down-payment on an apartment or house.
The reason it’s so hard for us to leave our front porches is just that- it’s not ours. It’s not comfortable. And if we step off, we will encounter any number of the probable yet pitiful realities of which I speak. Even strong Christians profess to love their neighbors and commit to their well being through money, sponsorship, letters, gifts, and abundant prayers. The love is really tested, however, when meeting the neighbor face to face. When a sponsor meets a child in their own village, surrounded by poverty or despair, a new sense of urgency can come over the person. But I suspect a gag reflex proceeds it, not out of revulsion, but out of unbelief that the prayers, money, and letters didn’t fix everything. It’s one thing to love from far away, but it’s something totally different in the midst of the brokenness.

I write this on a grand scale as if one needs to go to Africa or Calcutta to feel the distinct difference of knowing and loving someone in hard places. The revelation comes from a small instance of today’s musings and interactions. I believe the juxtaposition of loving despite distance can be felt in work, with friends and family, or in the community. I pray for those grieving, feeling sick, losing their jobs, fighting an inward battle, pursuing bold dreams, and yet I get scared stepping off the porch to greet the actual person living in these realities. I don’t’ know how to console those who grieve. I don’t know the anxiety of cancer. I don’t know how to react to those who want to live one way, but for various circumstances, are unable. How do I encourage people in these situations? How do I fix it?
It’s easy from a far. The senses are a bit numbed and cut off. The excuses for not doing anything more are deemed legitimate. But the porch is not where we’re called and challenged to live and use our gifts. We’re meant to be in the middle of it all, face to face, side by side.

“ A ship in port is safe. But that is not what ships are for.” -Rear Admiral Dr. Grace Murray Hopper

Presidential Energy

A momentous day in history with no lack of honoring, celebrating, or dedicating oneself and the nation to a hopeful future. I’m so excited for the new president Barack Obama. He gave a somber message of the challenges ahead, not only to be honest with us but also to encourage us to step up, work together, and look to the future with hope as citizens of a blessed nation. I would be exhausted if I were in his shoes after today with the parades, pomp and circumstance, never-ending balls. Oh my! That’s a lot of smiling. Plus, somehow I think I would be chomping at the bit, saying, “We have a lot of work to do.” But of course, that will forever be the case while he has this job, and celebration is necessary to keeping one’s sanity.
I can’t wait to have a really great reason to be giddy tomorrow. My sister’s back in town! The last couple days have been busy and productive at the house with new aunties, but now it’s time to celebrate. At least for the night, since breakfast will find me serving kids and then filling the rest of the day with the reality of work at school and rehearsals. So we’ll have fun tomorrow and still get ready for what’s ahead, knowing that we get to work and play hard together over the next days, weeks, and months.
Obama will twirl his wife and wave at many crowds, but tomorrow when he wakes up, he’ll have the obligation and honor to use the celebratory energy to go about leading the country.

a hat must remain

I teach. I parent. But most kids don't live with both at the same time. And the same is true for the teachers; they go home to different responsibilities. In the midst of this odd circumstance, I thought about the advice and instruction I've neglected to give due to not completely understanding the system to which they will return, not being with them from day one to establish rules and routines, and not having the role of Headmistress. WAKE UP! Today is today regardless of yesterday's events. To change something, I first have to change myself. I’ve been selfish with my time, so let me change. I’ve been careless and sloppy in teaching and parenting, so let me change. I've given too many excuses, so let me change.

Tonight, it struck me that I cannot abandon these roles as teacher and parent. I should always have one of the hats on in order for the children to grow. Don't get me wrong, I like hats. I can work hats. But all the time? Talk about hat hair.

I couldn’t help thinking about God in this role of parent/teacher/guide. I think of all the times he stood by my to answer a question, taught me a lesson while I was confused or hurt, showed me ways to do life better. I think even now in this reflection he has taught me something. I also wonder what life would be without God filling those roles forever. Or what if he slacked off like me? I would go about my daily business but with little concern for anybody or anything else as I mimic him. I would find ways to fill the time I should use to study by drawing, watching TV, disengaging from the world and self-absorbing. I would run around like a wild woman and then wonder when test time came around why I did so poorly and struggled so much. Even if I found self-discipline from somewhere, would I know how to use it efficiently and effectively? Or would I not know what I don’t know?
And what if he reacted out of frustration and annoyance as I sometimes do? I’m sure I would have been smote by now/ I would be in the best shape of my life for all the push-ups I would have to do. Thankfully, God is patient and kind and SLOW to anger.
Sometimes it feels like he’s out to lunch, going to the bathroom (especially when it’s gloomy and raining ☺), making tea to suit his needs, wandering in another room. Perhaps those seemingly cruel breaks of “abandonment” are actually just the guidance and teaching I need at the time. A moment to figure it out, look back on our notes, and ask neighbors for help before seeking to be spoon-fed by the professor.

The reality is that God is not like me; I have the challenge to strive for perfection. But just as I’m not struck down for neglecting my duties as a teacher and parent, God has grace when I fall short of the perfection he models. I become the student and hope that a bit of gentleness and clear answers come from The Teacher. I know he has my best interest in mind; he’s rooting for a 100%. So I will focus a bit more carefully in class. I will likewise do my best to incorporate some of his teaching/parenting methods to invest in the growth of the kids, academically, emotionally, and spiritually. While the hats might fly off at times, I will certainly wear them intentionally with pride, gratitude, and focus. I realize the opportunities ahead, so let me change for them.

Resolute

Tony takes resolutions seriously. After a boys night with Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee, Tony was inspired to do a back flip. I could tell it has been burning in him for some time. During play time I’ll see him working on cart-wheels and hand-stands, but it wasn’t until Sunday that a true dedication to mastering this skill came to pass. While everyone else was playing games inside, soccer or working on dances, I found him in the back yard stretching his back, using the swing-set bars to get the feel of the flip and then trying back bends on the hill.

His diligent work inspires me. Some people talk about making New Year’s resolutions and end up breaking them right about now, shortly after setting the new goal. If you can’t and won’t start pursuing a new goal today or March 22nd or August 6th, January 1st won’t necessarily be the magic day of inspiration and dedication. Tony didn’t wait for a special day, a few more inches, an 100% on his exams, a vision from God, a spine of Jell-O to bend without struggle. He went for his goal straight away and kept it up. Starting is important but continuing everyday is even more necessary. Tony found out immediately he lacked all the skill, strength, knowledge, and flexibility to do a back flip so he’s working those weaknesses and stretching himself each day.

A few months ago I posted the story “Lift the Cow” about a man who could lift a grown cow without much stress or strain because of the time he put in from the moment the cow was born. I read this story one June afternoon the summer before I started college and my career as a heptathlete. Like Tony and Jackie Chan, I took the inspiration and ran with it, literally. I put on my shoes that moment and ran. It hurt and stretched me, but I had started to pursue a goal. And the next day, I woke up and put on my shoes again and stepped out the door.

Tony and I worked on his back flip today. I tried to coach him with my high jump lessons, not a huge asset in my repertoire, but he’s a little more confident, stronger and encouraged. I have no doubt that a back flip will be added in the show to highlight this boy who is resolute.

grapes over raisins

Sometimes what we think we need we actually need to give. When I have found myself wanting a little comforting or encouragement, my emotions and spirit shrivel up. If I were to see my face in the mirror, I’m sure shrunken features would stare at me, a nose sucked in and lips pursed like when tasting a really sour lemon. Self-pity and unjust blame for what others simply don’t acknowledge, ME, take over, and I bury myself in this huge pit. One of the boys began to sulk away from the soccer field after one boy kicked all the balls away. The uncle taught him that such an attitude of sadness because he let others ruin his day was a silly way to live life. He trusted his uncle this time and had a game of his life, running the length and width of the field with a huge smile on his face.

Desires and needs for attention and love are deserving at points, but they do not always come when we beckon. In fact, we’re often faced with an opposite situation when a sister needs advice and care before offering her own, a friend needs a massage before your back receives, a colleague needs a break before you, a dog needs to learn love languages before fawning over a master. In bearing these gifts/burdens, we come to realize one of two things: 1) A release in our own needs. The requirement no longer exists to sooth the soul; the need melted away. or 2) A clearer understanding of what we really need. Clarity and understanding in context of all circumstances and emotions will guide us to seek the proper balm.

I am taken back to my parents new dog. I’m receiving daily updates, but more than that, I’m seeing from afar the real hole she’s filling. Is the family missing a running dog? A dog that chases squirrels? A tap-dancing dog on the wood floor? Yes and no. As much as the family wants all of this and more, they need the dog to give out love. As much as they wanted to fill one hole that seemed so apparent in the old dog's absence, they are filling it by first taking care of the hole that Ruby currently endures.

No one has shrunken up into a raisin from self-obsession, but how whole and juicy is the spirit from other-obsession!

Highlights of the New Year

• Roasting hot dogs and marshmallows over the fire pit. What a great lunch with all the kids gathered around the fire, experimenting with just the right spot by the coals. My fingers and toes were like little ice cubes as I served the slightly cold dogs, but after a couple of my own and roasting a mallow with the kids, I warmed right up.
• Playing soccer. I was oddly cold all day despite multiple layers and thermal socks (Thanks Santa.). But once I put on my flamingo socks (a psychological hint that I’m in the warm tropics) and headed for the field, I began to thaw out and come to life. I had a great game, thanks to the well-placed assists by the uncles. The boys played well with a lot of energy and gusto.
• Sliding across the wooden floor. Nothing like total abandonment and pure pleasure of coasting across the clean floor in thick socks even when potential and nearly eminent crashes ensue. Plus, such an activity brings stretching to a new level- didn’t know I moved that way…
• Napping in the sun. The kids were ready for breakfast but the cook wasn’t exactly bright eyed and bushy-tailed for long. Now I know how puppies feel curling up on the carpet by the door, soaking up the sun. mmm…

So far so good. day two just around the corner